


Like a Sponge

by thefantasygoddess



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21634255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefantasygoddess/pseuds/thefantasygoddess
Summary: Buck has an eating disorder and Eddie finds out.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 12
Kudos: 328





	Like a Sponge

**Author's Note:**

> I've been on a Buddie fan fic roll and they just keep coming. I love the angst fics.
> 
> Also, crap title but it kind of describes how Buck is portayed in this fic.
> 
> Happy ending!

Eddie knew there was a problem brewing. He just was not sure what it was. He had his suspicions. He tried to approach Buck a few times and he would always mutter something about needing to get somewhere or being tired and slink away. 

Buck was suddenly more quiet and he often gazed off when the team gathered; as though he were far away in his thoughts. Buck also began to isolate himself more. He did not laugh as much or joke around. Also he rarely, if ever ate around them anymore. 

Eddie had let it go, thinking maybe it was a phase. But he was tired of it. He was tired of not knowing what to do to help, of not knowing how to get through to Buck. 

Eddie tried not to let it show to the team that he was desperately worried about Buck. He tried to move on with his daily life, and with work but the soft buzz of Buck in his thoughts, that he had failed to push back was overpowering. Eddie had to find out what was going on.

Drugs? Drinking? A mental breakdown?

He planned to confront Buck later that evening, when he knew they could be alone without interruption. 

\----

Eddie unlocked the door to Buck's place and crept inside. Of course, he knew where to find Buck. In bed, comforter thrown over him as he slept in darkness. Curtains drawn. Lights out. 

Eddie went to the fridge to grab a couple of beers but it was completely empty. He gently closed it and made his way toward Buck's room. Eddie approached the bed and gently roused him, when that failed he ripped the comforter off of him. 

"Hey!" growled Buck.

"Get up. We need to talk," demanded Eddie. 

"I don't feel like it. I have nothing to say."

"What's the matter Buck? You won't talk to anyone so at least talk to me. You know you can trust me..whatever it is."

"Nothing Eddie. Nothing is going on."

Eddie rolled his eyes. 

"Yeah I've heard that before."

"Where's Christopher?" asked Buck as he slowly sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"With your sister. I asked her to keep an eye on him. He misses you, you know."

Buck sighed.

"I miss him too."

"So get out of your funk or whatever this is. Come over tonight. I'll make dinner."

Buck scoffed. 

"What?" asked Eddie. 

"Nothing. I'll come see Christopher another time."

"When's the last time you've been grocery shopping? Your fridge is empty."

Buck groaned. 

"I don't know. I'll go shopping later."

"Remember when I gave you money to get you and Christopher a pizza? I asked you to eat a couple of extra slices. You're wasting away Buck. You gotta eat."

"I do eat, Eddie."

"Not lately," Eddie pointed out.

Buck fell back onto the bed and dramatically pulled a pillow over his face. 

"UGH!" He groaned, which came out muffled from underneath.

"You should come over. Come on. I'll take you. We can pick up Christopher and just hang out..watch a movie..just like before."

Buck's patience was wearing thin.

"Another day, Eddie."

"What do you have going on now other than sleeping and feeling sorry for yourself?"

"Eddie..please. I just need to be alone now. I'll talk to you. I promise. Just not now."

Eddie nodded. 

"Alright. But I'll be back. So don't get too comfortable."

\----

"How was he?" asked Maddie.

"I've never seen him like this. I just..he won't talk to me."

"You're such a good friend to him, Eddie. He knows this. He'll open up when he's ready."

"Were you good, Christopher?" Eddie asked, changing the subject momentarily. 

Maddie grinned and ruffled the boy's hair. 

"Of course he was."

"Where's Buck?" the boy asked.

Eddie and Maddie exchanged sad glances. 

"He's sleeping," answered Eddie. "He'll come see you soon."

Silence. 

"Hey Christopher..would you color me a picture? The space on our fridge is pretty empty. I need something to put on it."

Maddie's face fell slightly as she knew Eddie was going to try and get more out of her than what she had already given him.

"Maddie..is there something more you know that the rest of us don't? He's just..not Buck right now. He's distant, quiet..I don't know if you've noticed but he has barely been eating. He's lost weight."

"I have noticed," she replied softly. "I always notice."

Eddie processed the words in his head.

"What do you mean always?"

Maddie looked down at the ground, as if contemplating if she should continue talking. 

Eddie stepped closer to her.

"Maddie..if you know something..you need to tell me."

She looked up.

"There's nothing. He's going to be fine."

"I don't believe you."

Maddie sighed and watched the man carefully. His brown eyes were set on her intensely. Eddie truly cared about her brother. He was the only one on the team who made the effort, took the time to try and help Buck. 

She made the decision to talk.

She let out a deep breath. 

"Buck..is very.."

She paused. 

"He is very sensitive, prone to periods of deep depression. He..always has been. Ever since we were kids, he takes everything to heart. He feeds off of other people's emotions. When someone close to him hurts. He hurts. He absorbs all of his problems- everyone's problems..like a sponge until he's just..."

"Just what?" Eddie urged. 

"Drowning," she replied sadly. 

"The lawsuit? Is that what this is about?"

"It is more than that Eddie."

"Maddie what are you getting at?"

"Buck..is very secretive. He is self-punishing. He does not want other people to know when he is hurting. He tries to hide it. He is so used to being the one holding other people together that he just.."

Eddie waited.

"He allows himself to fall apart."

"Again. Maddie. What are you getting at?"

"Buck..has an eating disorder. It comes and goes. The higher the stress levels the worse it gets. Although obviously he has never really recovered. It started back when he was fourteen. It got bad, Eddie."

Eddie stood still and felt as though the earth did too. He was trying to process the information he was just given.

"Why..why didn't he tell me? Why didn't YOU tell me?" He asked, as he gently pushed a finger into her shoulder. 

Tears gathered in her eyes. 

"I'm sorry. He made me promise not to tell. He'd be so humiliated if any of the team found out. He would never forgive me. I-I've been helping him. I've been making him food and taking it over to him. I sit with him to make sure he eats.."

"That's not enough, Maddie. He needs professional help."

"I've tried," she replied. "I've begged. It is so exhausting..watching him do this to himself. And for me, his big sister..not to be able to help him."

Maddie broke down into tears.

"You have to help him, Eddie. He'll listen to you. You're the only one he'll listen to."

This was a problem that was so far out of Eddie's realm. He knew of eating disorders. He even knew a few girls who had them in school. But never anyone he knew personally. And never a guy.

"What's he..anorexic?" Eddie asked. 

"He was diagnosed EDNOS."

"Meaning?" Eddie prompted.

"Eating disorder not otherwise specified."

"So he doesn't eat? He throws up? I need something to go by Maddie."

"He just..all of it. He doesn't eat. If he does he will throw up. He exercises until he's too exhausted or too hurt to move. It had been getting better..for awhile."

Eddie felt a wave of guilt wash over him. Here was his best friend struggling with something that was so beyond his comprehension that he didn't even notice. That he didn't even think to ask about sooner when he first began seeing the signs that something was off.

"I'm going back. Can you continue to watch Christopher."

Maddie nodded and as Eddie turned to leave she grabbed his sleeve.

"Wait..don't tell him I told you. Please?"

"He'll wonder how I knew."

"Tell him you figured it out on your own. Eddie..he's trusted me with this ever since it began. I kept his secret..and maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe he would be better..but I am all he had or at least I was.."

"You're a great sister. You've tried to help but some things are out of your control. He needs help..therapy. Something."

Maddie nodded in agreement.

"Let me know how it goes."

\----

Eddie pulled the comforter off Buck once again. He gripped his forearms and pulled the other man up.

Buck did not even try to put up a fight. 

"I thought I told you..later."

"It is later," answered Eddie. "Tell me what's going on."

Buck sighed, knowing he would not get out of this. He knew Eddie would not leave. 

"I'm just..going through some..kind of..I dunno."

"Some kind of what?"

"Don't push me, Eddie."

"You need to be pushed Buck," warned the other man.

"Everyone else is fine leaving you alone..not asking questions. But I'm done with this. I need to know what's going on."

Eddie had the one piece of information that Maddie had kept hidden from everyone, that Buck made her swear not to ever reveal. He had this over Buck and he would pull it out if needed. But was hoping the other man would open up about it first. 

"I'm fine, Eddie. I'll be okay."

"Why is your fridge empty?"

"Been too lazy to shop."

"Why haven't you been eating?"

"Not hungry."

"Why are you pushing me away?"

Buck had no answer. 

Eddie took in a deep breath. It was clear Buck was not going to budge.

"I know about the eating disorder, Buck."

Buck's face twisted.

"What?"

"You heard me," replied Eddie, his eyes burning into Buck's. 

"No," shot Buck.

"Yes," countered Eddie. "You can't deny it."

Buck sat down and Eddie took in how red the other man's face had become. 

Silence. 

Buck's fists were balled up tightly and he slowly clenched them open and shut.

"Fucking Maddie," he hissed under his breath.

"What was that?"

You talked to Maddie! And behind my back!"

Buck stood up and began to pace feverishly.

Eddie grabbed him gently by the wrist and pulled him down beside him.

"Don't be angry..this is not Maddie's fault. I made her tell me. She told me because she cares. Because she's worried about you. So am I."

Buck crossed his arms over his chest and stared out the window.

Eddie dropped both arms loudly onto his knees. 

"Let's talk about this..let's get you some help," pleaded Eddie.

"No."

"Buck.."

"NO!" yelled the other man, jumping up. "This is NOT your business and my stupid sister should have kept her damn mouth shut!" 

"You know that's not true, Buck.."

Buck groaned loudly and paced with both hands behind his head.

"If it were Maddie..instead- would you not do the same for her?"

"Of course but-"

"Of course but what?" 

Eddie continued.

"It is okay to hurt, Buck. But what's not okay is what you are doing to yourself. You have to eat."

"Fuck, you sound like my sister."

Eddie clenched his jaw. He was growing frustrated with Buck's lack of acceptance. 

Buck began mockingly imitating Maddie.

"Come on, Buck. Just eat, Buck. What's wrong with you, Buck? Just pick up the fork, Buck. It is not that hard, Buck."

Eddie listened.

"All my life..I've just been..I don't know. Some big puss. I cried a lot as a kid. I was teased, called a faggot. I was fat. I never thought I would amount to anything.."

"But you have, Buck."

"You don't get it. Just because I wear a uniform and save people..I'm still ME. I'm still that kid. I'm still..empty."

Eddie frowned. It killed him to hear Buck speak of himself this way.

"We can get you help.."

"I don't WANT help!" Buck screamed. "Not from you, or Maddie or anyone else!"

Eddie shook his head. This was not Buck. Something else had hold of him.

"I'm not here to judge, or to force you to get help or to force food into your mouth..I'm here to listen."

Buck finally sat down. He placed his head into his hands and began to cry. 

Eddie turned his body toward Buck and embraced him tightly. He began to rub Buck's back, trying at all costs to comfort him.

"Buck, it's okay. I'm here. I won't tell anyone. But you have to promise to at least talk to someone. Please?"

Buck could not hear him through his own tears. 

"I can't lose you, Buck.."

Eddie gently pried Buck's hands from his face. Buck's eyes were reduced to wet, red slits. His nose was running. But to Eddie, he was still beautiful. 

Eddie used two fingers to lift Buck's chin up so they were eye to eye.

"I love you."

Buck stared.

"What?"

"You heard me."

Buck quickly turned away.

"Christopher loves you..we are a family as far as I'm concerned. Families stick together. Always."

"If you think you can just walk in here and save me then you're wrong."

Eddie shook his head. 

"No. I know that. I can't. But you can."

Buck rolled his eyes.

"When did this turn into an after school special?"

"When you began hiding things from me," Eddie answered. 

"You don't get it though, Eddie. This..this is all I have. It is like- a part of me..how I deal. Just like you with the street fighting. Bobby when he drank..I could go on."

The team all had their fair share of problems. They were open about theirs but not Buck. He chose to hide his.

"What can I do?" asked Eddie.

Buck sighed.

"Other than not tell anyone?"

"I won't."

\----

Eddie returned to Maddie's, prepared to take Christopher home. He bit his lip and wanted to get out of there before Maddie could question him. Before he could process that he had failed. Before tears could escape from his eyes. 

"How did it go?" asked Maddie.

"It went," he replied with a shrug.

"Meaning?"

"It's bad..just like you said. He's so..unwilling to listen. To accept he needs help."

"I told you, Eddie. We can't force him into treatment unfortunately. All we can do is support him."

Suddenly a jolt of rage coursed through his veins. He slammed his fist down on the counter and tried- and failed, not to cry.

"No!" he gasped, his voice breaking. "No..we can't leave him like this! We..we have to do something!"

Maddie approached him slowly. 

"I know, Eddie..believe me. I know you care about him. This is hard. This is something he has struggled with for so long. He just can not get past it."

Maddie began to sob.

"I just look back and wonder..where did I go wrong? I should have protected him! I was too busy getting myself into trouble. Distracting myself by getting into bad relationships..and he..he tried to protect me! Oh god..I'm just so sick over this."

Eddie wrapped his arms around her. 

"We will get through this. We will get him through this. Somehow."

Christopher slowly made his way over to them, his crutches lightly tapping on the wooden floor. He handed Eddie a picture.

It was Eddie, Buck and Christopher playing video games. 

Eddie held the picture and was unable to stop the heavy sobs coming from deep within his throat. He pulled Christopher to his chest and held him tightly. 

"I love it," he gasped in between sobs.

This made Maddie cry harder too.

\----

This time when Eddie reached Buck's door, he knocked. Knowing that after their talk Buck would be up out of bed.

Buck answered the door and groaned softly.

"I thought we talked enou-"

He stopped himself as soon as he saw Christopher hidden away behind his dad.

"Christopher! I've missed you!"

Buck gave a genuine smile that Eddie had not seen in months. Buck embraced the boy and lifted him up, spun him around and squeezed him.

Christopher giggled.

"Buck!" He squealed. 

"Hope you don't mind.." began Eddie. "He was looking forward to seeing you..when he found out you wouldn't be coming over..we decided to come to you."

"You guys hungry?"

Buck cut himself off as he remembered he could not offer them food since his fridge was empty. 

"We could go out..grab something?"

Eddie shook his head.

He refused to sit and watch Buck not eat.

"We just came to chat."

Buck rubbed the back of his neck and sat down on the couch.

"What do you say we play a round of racing, huh Christopher?"

The boy nodded and slowly made his way to the couch. Buck grabbed the boy as soon as he was close enough and plopped him on his lap.

Eddie observed from afar. Buck loved Christopher so much. He never doubted that. And he would never trust anyone with his son as much as he does with Buck.

He watched as Christopher giggled and Buck laughed along. He gave him high fives, and of course let Christopher win each round.

Eddie grinned. 

After a handful of rounds Eddie made his way over and gently pulled the controller from Christopher's hands.

"Can you go watch a little tv? Buck and I need to talk."

At this Buck visibly tensed up.

As soon as Christopher was out of ear shot, Eddie sat down.

"I'm not here to lecture you..just let me know what I can do to help?"

"I'm fine."

"But you're not."

"I appreciate you Eddie. You know that. But there is nothing. Nothing you can do."

"Maddie told me everything. That you've had this since you were fourteen. That's a long time to struggle with something..and in secret. I'm here to listen."

Buck drew in a sharp, shaky breath.

"I can't even remember how it started. One day I just..cut back on food. Ditched the soda. Then I would only eat certain foods. I wouldn't touch certain foods. Then came the skipping. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. I didn't need it."

Eddie waited patiently for him to continue.

"It was easy. The more weight I lost the better I felt. It was euphoric. Empowering. It was..." He paused.

"Why am I telling you this?" He wondered out loud. "I've never told anyone..aside from Maddie and the therapists who drug it out of me.."

"Just get it out Buck," urged Eddie.

"I told you I was fat. The more weight I lost the more attention I got. Mainly from girls. But eventually..I didn't want the attention. I wanted to disappear. It was so easy..so easy to pretend to eat or to exercise at night..too easy- until Maddie caught on. She tried to help.."

"She's really worried about you."

"I know," relied Buck guiltily.

"She didn't even want to tell me. I pulled it out of her. She wanted to remain loyal to you."

Buck sat in silence. And so did Eddie.

\----

Sunlight poured through the bedroom. Eddie had his arms wrapped around Buck. He felt so thin.

He sat up, careful not to wake Buck. He snuck into the living room where Christopher was sleeping soundly on the pull out bed.

Eddie snuck out to buy some groceries. 

When he returned Christopher was still asleep but Buck was sitting at the kitchen table. 

"Help me with these would you?"

Eddie handed him a few bags of groceries and went out to get more.

"You didn't have to do this," said Buck softly.

"I know."

Buck and Eddie began putting the groceries away.

"Thank you," replied Buck so softly Eddie had barely heard him.

"Well, if Christopher and I are going to be staying here we're going to need food."

Buck did not question nor oppose the idea.

"I'm going to make breakfast," said Eddie. 

Buck sat quietly as Eddie cooked.

"Don't worry," began Eddie as he turned around to face Buck. "I'm not going to make you eat."

"It's not that.." began Buck. "You're just..being so nice. After everything I put you through. And Christopher..I don't deserve this."

Eddie stepped away from the stove and approached Buck, placing his hands on his shoulders.

"You deserve everything Buck. And I'm going to try my best to provide it for you. If you let me."

Buck craned his neck to give Eddie a tiny smile.

"I meant what I said," began Eddie quietly. "I love you."

Buck let the words sink in.

"I love you too, Eddie."

Eddie moved around the chair and crouched down and placed his hands on Buck's knees.

"We will get through this. I promise."

He stood back up and pressed his lips gently against Buck's forehead. 

\----

Buck watched as Eddie and Christopher ate. Eddie did not say anything. He did not pressure him. He gave him the company Buck secretly craved, even during his moments of isolation. He had been so lonely. So deprived of attention.

"This is nice," Buck admitted after Christopher left the table. 

Buck continued.

"I'm..sorry how I reacted before. I was just..scared that someone else knew. Angry even. I'm not upset that Maddie told you. In fact I'm glad. I can't keep going on like this Eddie."

"Maybe we can get you into therapy? Get you to like an outpatient clinic?" Suggested Eddie. "Somewhere where professionals can help you."

Buck sighed. 

"I've done all that. Multiple times.."

"You can't just give up," argued Eddie.

Buck's lips twisted up into a small grin, albeit a sad one.

"Please don't tell the team. They already know I'm messed up as it is."

"Never."

Buck reached out and grabbed a piece of toast and took a tiny bite of the corner.

Eddie silently rejoiced.

It was a start. 

\----

Every night Eddie and Christopher stayed at Buck's and the eating came and went. Some evenings Buck attempted to eat a little bit and others he sat and watched them eat. Eddie still never pressured him. Never guilted him. And he rarely mentioned it. 

However, Christopher began to notice. And Eddie worried about this.

They would tell him Buck's "tummy" hurt.

Eddie continued to buy groceries and continued to make meals. Hoping each night, that this would be a night Buck would eat, even just a little. 

One evening after returning from taking Christopher to a sleep over he was alarmed to find Buck passed out on the living room floor.

"Buck..Buck.." he replied softly, bending down to gently shake him.

"Oh I just.."

"Fainted," Eddie finished sternly. "How long have you been on the floor?"

"I don't know."

Eddie was beginning to lose his patience. He had been supportive of Buck. He stayed silent most of the time when he should have been more vocal. He never pressured him. He was afraid if he did he would push Buck away again.

"Listen Buck.."

"Save the lecture please?"

"No. I've given you a free pass. I've listened. I've been supportive. I've never forced you or guilted you into eating. But this has to stop. You..you..what if I hadn't been here in time? What if this happens when you're alone? Or on the job? If Bobby were to find out then-"

"But he won't find out," began Buck. 

Eddie pursed his lips but said nothing.

"You promised."

"So did Maddie."

Buck sat up and glared at Eddie.

"Buck," began Eddie, pleading. "You're scaring me. And you know it takes a lot to scare me."

Buck tried to stand up but toppled over. Eddie caught him and led him to the couch. 

"You're killing yourself."

"I know."

\----

Buck called out of work and Eddie was just finishing his shift when his phone buzzed. It was Maddie.

"How are things going?" she asked.

Eddie sighed. 

"It's bad," he replied glumly. "He's still barely eating. He fainted a couple of days ago while I was out.."

"Eddie. We need to do something. Stage some kind of intervention. We've both tried to help.."

Eddie stayed silent.

"Hello?" She called into the phone.

"I'm here."

"Maybe we should tell Bobby."

Eddie hated it. Hated that he had to betray Buck. But ultimately he agreed.

\----

Bobby caught Buck by the elbow as he was leaving the station.

"Buckley."

"Hey cap," began Buck with a grin.

Somehow. Buck managed to compose himself while on shifts. He had the occasional dizzy spells but worked through them. 

Buck was not suspicious of anything being amiss until he took notice of Bobby's expression.

"What's up?" He asked nervously. 

"You tell me," replied Bobby.

Buck felt his cheeks begin to burn.

"I uh..don't know. I'm tired. Ready to go home."

"I hate to do this but I'm going to have to ask you to take a leave of absence."

"What? Why?" Buck shouted, which caused some looks from the other crew members.

"Eddie told me everything. You're a liability. I can't have you-"

"Eddie told you huh?" Buck began angrily. 

"Don't get mad at him. He's worried. We all are."

Buck responded by taking off his gear and throwing it down. Along with his helmet. 

"You want me gone? I'm gone."

Bobby watched on as the younger man stomped away. 

\----

Eddie knew what to expect when Buck came home. He was prepared and he had been waiting. He held his breath as the door swung open and Buck stomped inside. 

Eddie already made sure to have Christopher set up in the guest room. Video game on with a head set in case things got heated. Which he expected.

"You," began Buck angrily as he moved toward him. "How could you?"

"I had no choice Buck. I'm sorry."

"You betrayed me! You lied! Now they are all going to know!"

"I didn't know what else to do!" Eddie shouted back, throwing his hands up in the air. "I tried! I tried to help you through this. You need professional help."

"What I need..is for you to get out of my life!"

"You don't mean that. You're angry."

"Oh I mean it!"

"So Christopher too? You lose me you lose him. Is that what you want?"

"Of course not."

Eddie decided to turn the tables.

"I don't want that either. But look, Buck..if it were me..what would you do?"

Buck thought for a moment. 

"I'd never let it happen to you."

"But how? This is not something that happened to you overnight. You've had this. It has only gotten worse."

"The street fighting. You hid that from me. "

"And that was wrong. I should have told you. I should have never got caught up in that."

"What did Bobby say?"

"He was..not surprised. They all knew something was going on. He was about to confront you himself if I hadn't told him."

"Does he think any less of me?"

"Of course not. You're one of the best men he's got. He's just worried. He doesn't want to lose you. He wants you to get better. So you can come back."

Buck sighed. 

"I'm so sorry Eddie. I'm sorry I've put you through this. I'll uh..I'll look into getting some help."

Eddie stared hard at him.

"I've already done it."

Buck stared back.

"There's a place in Arizona. They are specialized in treating men. All you have to do is make the call. The number is on the fridge."

Buck gazed at the floor.

"I can't make the call for you Buck."

"I'll call tomorrow."

"Call tonight. There's a 24 hour line. I checked."

Buck scoffed. 

"You really did all this for me?"

Eddie nodded.

"You go to any lengths high or low for the ones you love. Like you did when you saved Christopher during the tsunami."

Buck sighed. 

He was ready to raise his white flag. 

"Get me that number."

Eddie hugged Buck. Holding him tight.

"I'm proud of you."

Buck smiled back.

Eddie walked to the fridge and returned with the phone number. 

"You better tell Bobby to save my place until I get back," Buck said, as he placed his phone up to his ear.

"Oh I'll make sure of that."


End file.
